I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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