My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
