Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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