I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
