It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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