census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
