i jhust puked up my retainher.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
