So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
as a side note pls kill me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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