Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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