Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize