Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
