while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
