I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
