I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
