alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think your dad took our porno
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
