he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
