just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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