dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
