i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
