i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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