I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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