It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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