I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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