is your mom at the bar?
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
