haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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