Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
