Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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