Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
