we're chasing vodka with high fives
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
