why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
