I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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