i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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