best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
