Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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