i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
