I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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