rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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