I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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