If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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