and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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