I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
