I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
