oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
