You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
