Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
