You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
