My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
