My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
