I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
