hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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